Living

Monday, Aug. 04, 2008

Linda Lewis Griffith: Are you missing the mark with your man?

Some women are drawn to ‘bad boys’—risk-takers or lawbreakers who often disappoint their partners. They often view these charity-case men as projects to be cured of their willful ways. While compassion and empathy are admirable, they sho

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My 30-something client sat dejectedly in her chair. “I’ve blown it again,” she sighed. “I’ve gotten involved with another loser.”

She related how the unemployed drug addict she’d been dating for the past year had recently threatened her with physical violence. Although shaken by the experience, she knew this situation all too well. She has a long history of choosing the wrong men.

My client is certainly not alone. Many women are drawn to low-functioning partners. They pick men who can’t hold a job or who are chronically underemployed. They date guys who drink too much or abuse drugs. They’re excited by extreme lawlessness or risk-taking behavior. They even tolerate physical and psychological mistreatment.

Men as a project

Some women view this type of man as a kind of charity case, a person to be rescued and cured. These would-be Mother Teresas frequently hail from the helping professions, such as nursing, social work or education, and they have an insatiable need to care for a helpless or floundering human being.

As a result, they become involved with marginally functioning men and then work overtime to keep their relationships afloat.

Of course, compassion and empathy are admirable characteristics. And caring for others who are less fortunate is an honorable job. But it is certainly not the prime consideration when choosing a life partner.

Making choices

Marriages should be relationships between two high-functioning people, each capable of performing responsibilities that benefit the team. When one member of the union is low-functioning, the remaining partner must not only run the household but also cover for the underperforming spouse.

This doesn’t mean that all potential suitors must have MBAs or that someone with a history of drug abuse or alcoholism can’t make a wonderful mate. It does imply, however, that a partner must be able to adequately manage his or her life before joining forces with someone else. And anyone who is actively abusing drugs or alcohol is not demonstrating adequate management.

How can you tell if you’re dating a charity case? Ask yourself the following questions:

• Is my partner routinely unemployed or unable to pay his own bills?

• Has my partner served time in jail or does he have frequent run-ins with the law?

• Do I have to bail my partner out of problems he’s created for himself?

• Am I exhausted by all the work I have to do in this relationship?

• Does my partner often embarrass me in social situations?

• Do I find myself covering up for his inappropriate behavior?

• Am I frustrated because my partner does so little in our relationship?

• Do I feel the need to defend him to others and explain why we’re together?

• Are members of my family concerned that I am with this person?

If you answered yes to more than three of these questions, you may be involved with a low-functioning partner.

Take a close look at your relationship. It may be wise to get out ASAP and use better judgment in the future.

SIX TIPS TO HELP WOMEN AVOID LOSER GUYS

Find yourself attracted to low-functioning men? Try making these changes in your dating behavior:

• Go slow. Some women leap into relationships with minimal information about their new beau. Slow down. Get to know him. Time is definitely on your side.

• Be selective. Pick a mate as carefully as you’d buy a new car. Decide which features you want and need. Then methodically begin your search. Remember, you’re ultimately looking for a life partner. Don’t settle for second best.

• Cut your losses. If you discover the guy’s no good, get out as soon as you can. Don’t try to make a bad relationship work. Start over and learn from the process.

• Frequent the right places. You won’t find top notch guys in raunchy, low-class places. Find activities that put you in contact with high-quality men. Take classes at the adult school. Join the single adults group at your church. Volunteer for a civic organization. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you’ll find Mr. Right.

• Listen to your friends and family. If you’ve made bad decisions about men, elicit help whenever you can. Trust others’ judgment if they’re concerned. They have your happiness and well-being in mind.

• Know that you deserve a man of high quality. Sometimes women with low self-esteem believe they’re not worthy of a higher-functioning man. But they’re wrong. You are infinitely valuable and special. You warrant a man of equal stature.

— By Linda Lewis Griffith